8 April 2009, Tuesday.

This is my first post here of what I am making into a safe haven for my thoughts.

Last night was just amazing, Cyi took me out to the park and we walked around in the cold to let our energy out. I've not done anything like that before. I admit at first I was very put off by the thought of taking my scarf off and gloves and to be exposing myself to the cold night. After a walk around the park I was cold, really cold. After the second lap I started to tell myself that I was going numb, my limbs were just not feeling anymore. On the third lap I understood, my body is keeping me warm on the inside, and my limbs have just adjusted to the cold. That was confirmed to my neo-cortex when we took eachothers hand and I felt her's not freezing like I expected, but warm.

Last night started in the afternoon, while I was out at work. I called Cyi up on my lunch out of obligation and she was able to see that. She let me know that she was not wanting to be an obligation to me, for me to call her because I want to hear her voice, be in her presence, love her.
That is a very new thing for me, in past relationships they would basically force me into obligations with them, I like to think of it now much like bankers and the national debit. My ex's forced me into a never-ending debit that I coud never pay off, even if I had the money to.
After talking with Cyi on the phone, I started to punish myself, she had told me firmly and kindly her wishes, which again was not like I expected. My previous family had conditioned me that if punishment is not coming from an outside source, I am to make it myself. So most of the rest of the day I was punishing myself inside. It's so very interesting seeing these things now, I look back at just a year ago, much less two years ago before I started understanding thanks to Cyi, and I see that I was really blind to my conditionings.

I think that Cyi is right, this journal will really do me some good. Getting my thoughts out of my head, where I would normally allow them to stay cramped up and fester. Not a very healthy thing to do, and really not forward moving. I am also starting to understand, Cyi was my fuse, my starting spark, my inspiration. I used to think she was what I was trying to copy and mimic, much like my ex's had tried to do. She is my Yang to my Yin, I truly was pushed into my head, and then decided to stay there. She is showing me that I can come out of my head and lead a balanced life. Not one of "If you're not in your head, you have to never be in your head." bs like my previous family taught and lived.

Wow, I look at the little scrollbar to the side and see I have written a decent amount compared to what I used to do. I think about what I used to be, and I am just amazed at how much someone can change and yet not change at all.